A Simple Tool for Helping Grieving Children

Vol. 5

Children grieve differently than adults. They have a low bandwidth for strong emotion and can be surprised by the depth and intensity of grief. They require gentle reassurance, education, tools, and role models. Creating a “Feel Better Bag” is a simple strategy you can employ to engage with a child and ease their grief process.

I do not know who came up with the term and I apologize for not giving proper credit to its inventor. Still, it is a practical idea with unlimited potential to promote personal agency and self-soothing. It can empower a child by helping him/her identify a worry or upsetting feeling, and choose a unique and fitting measure to address it.

Since it is hard for a child to sit and talk about grief, playing games, reading books, or making things together can ease the conversation. It can also help foster a bond and allow the take-home item to serve as a transitional object. I have yet to meet a child who doesn’t like to create something and take it home.

You can tell the child something along these lines:

“This bag is for you, to help you find ways to help yourself feel better. When someone you love dies you will have a lot of different feelings: sad, mad, scared, confused, frozen, and stuck. Some children think their actions, words, or missteps have more power than they do. They blame themselves for causing or contributing to the death. It’s called magical thinking, where we think we have more power than we really do. You are simply not that powerful. If you have been thinking that it’s your fault, it’s likely not. It’s just something that many children imagine.

As you grieve, you might notice that everything around you feels wrong. You may want to scream “NO!” or hide in your bedroom. You may have bad dreams or be unable to concentrate on schoolwork. You may get mad unexpectedly. You may cry unexpectedly. You may feel jealousy toward those who have what you don’t and don’t seem to appreciate it. You may feel that you need to take care of the others in your home or hide your feelings to protect them. These feelings and experiences are a part of normal life and a big part of grief. 

Feelings are not right or wrong. They are here to teach us. They can be like the ever-changing weather; like clouds or rain storms passing by. They can be mild or intense, singular or combined. Combined feelings can be trickier to sort out, but with time and practice you will get better at figuring it out. 

Let’s create a tool kit for you to keep on hand. We can fill it with small things to remind you of some ways you can help yourself as you heal and learn to understand your many feelings. These are just some ideas. I bet you will have even more ideas you can add.

Keep this bag for when you need it. Know that when the difficult, surprising, or confusing feelings come, talking to an adult you trust can be helpful.”

Start with a simple paper bag and some art supplies and allow the child to decorate it in any fashion.

Supply an array of symbolic items for the child to choose from. Talk together about what each item might represent. They can assign personal meaning, or if they are at a loss, you can gently offer ideas.

Here are some suggestions:

• Tissues - because sometimes you need a good cry. 

• Squeeze ball - to help squeeze the tension, anger, and stress out. 

• Crayons - for fun and expression. Draw what you are feeling, or doodle to help you relax! It doesn’t need to look good. It might look like a mess like feelings sometimes do.  

• Spaghetti Noodle - We can be stiff and tight and break easily, or we can be loose and flexible like a wet noodle. Relaxing the muscles in your stomach is known to help soothe fear or worry. Try to let your belly go soft and notice how it affects the rest of your body. 

• Notepad - to jot down your thoughts and feelings. Keep track of the ones that show up most often, and how they change or get triggered.

• Chocolate (candy) Hugs - because everybody needs a hug and sometimes a sweet. You can ask for a real hug, or give one! Sometimes giving one is just as good as getting one because you’re the one who picks the timing.

• Playdough - to knead, pound, smash or build. Sometimes we need to hit something, or create something. Making stuff gets us into that floaty thought-less zone. 

• Balloon - Remember to breathe! If you keep all your thoughts and feelings inside you may feel like a balloon ready to pop. Easy breaths are soothing.

• Feathers or cotton balls - to remind us to stay light and soft.

• A small battery-operated candle for the bedside table.

• Rubber bands - to remind us to be flexible

• Something huggable - let the child find a soft item that reminds them of the one who died, and brings comfort. It can be a small stuffed animal, a handkerchief, a scarf, or a piece of clothing. I have seen parents sew small pillows, make teddy bears, and sew the Feel Better Bag out of sentimental cloth. A paper bag is sufficient.

• Toothpicks - to remind us to pick out the good in people. A little reminder can be a game-changer.

The possibilities are endless. Ask the child to contribute some representational items for things that have soothed them in the past, or what might help them in the future.

If they are very young, or prone to forget, you can have the child write down the meaning of the items in case they wish to refer to them later.

I recognize that fresh, raw grief can be overwhelming, and this tool can seem to be an oversimplification or feel premature in the face of anguish. You will need to use your judgment on its timing.

This lighter and more practical approach offers an easy entryway into the topic. A child who is uncomfortable with talking may pull out an item from the bag and show it you as a signal. This might be an invitation to conversation or a request for comfort and acceptance.

Know that a child’s grief is different from that of an adult. They have a lower tolerance for how much time they can sit with uncomfortable emotions. They may need to shift their focus quickly, revisiting when ready, at their own pace. My advice would be to let them lead but keep it short. Children are not looking for a lecture, but rather a nod of understanding. Be especially mindful of their needs and try not to spill over into your own. They cannot and should not feel a need to take care of the adults around them. Because we all grieve differently, parents can greatly benefit from having their own therapist or Grief Counselor to help them find balance in processing their grief separately from their child’s.

This simple and versatile tool can be adapted for divorce, geographic relocation, change of schools, or the ending of friendships.

You can modify this practice for adults as well because talking, thinking, and writing are often not enough. We need to be grounded with physical objects we can touch and hold. Create your own comfort bag, or make one as a gift for a struggling friend.

Tailor your selections to your unique needs and preferences. It can be your rescue remedy or your spa treatment. I would decorate my bag in earth tones. It would contain a fine point pen and a small notebook, a few tissues, a tea bag, a votive, some lip balm, ear plugs, bath salts, a small vase for a fresh flower, a few poems or quotes for inspiration, and a piece of dark chocolate. Your needs and your list will be different and unique. Make it fun, singular, weird and ever so comfy. This bag is for you, to help you find ways to soothe yourself, and to remind yourself to do so.

Thanks for reading! See you next month.

PS - Your thoughts are welcome. Click reply at the top of this email.