Neuroplasticity and the Grieving Brain
Vol. 2
We can be encouraged by the news that our brains possess an amazing ability to rewire and adapt, called neuroplasticity. Neuroscientists studying brain imaging can view specific neurons as they fire during brain imaging studies that examine emotions related to grief and loss.
While I tend to seek answers and solace through spiritual connection, I have found this new scientific inquiry immensely beneficial for balancing heart and mind. Not all of us are scientifically inclined and many will prefer to process their grief through spiritual practices and expressive therapies, yet all have merit and are worth considering. We can approach our grief from all angles and discern the path that resonates.
A variety of studies involving humans, rats, mice, and monogamous prairie voles, are looking at the hormones and peptides that play a role in attachment and bonding (oxytocin and vasopressin). They are looking at our genes, at catecholamine levels (epinephrine, norepinephrine, and dopamine), cortisol levels, and the concepts we call “place” “time” and “closeness”. They utilize a variety of instruments including interviews, questionnaires, behavioral interventions, lab tests, and neuroimaging.
These research studies collectively view grief as a learning process, more specifically, as a problem for the brain to solve. A common thread is the assertion that our brains basically function as mapping Apps and predictors which help us organize our lives and anticipate our needs. We spend a great deal of our time sorting, gathering, collecting, assigning, preparing and planning for the future.
Now add in the fact that as humans (or monogamous animals) we are wired for attachment and bonding, enabled by hormones and peptides that physically change in our brains through the enfolding of proteins and the wiring of neuronal pathways. Babies bond with mothers and gradually learn about object permanence and how they can engage to ensure their survival. Images of our loved ones become encoded in our brains. Additionally, we hold mapped pictures of a sort, in our minds, about where our family members are (work, school, home) and we anticipate reunion based on established patterns.
When someone dies unexpectedly, our brain short circuits. The well-worn neuronal patterns continue to light up in anticipation of the routine despite their absence. When they no longer walk through the door at their normal time, sit in their chair, or call us at the usual time, our instincts lead us to search for them. A part of us knows they are gone, yet our brain continues to usher us down the well-worn path. This sheds light on why so many people have great difficulty accepting the fact that their loved one has truly died. How many times have we heard, “I can’t really believe it,” or “It doesn’t seem real.”
There is a part of our brain that believes they are still here. It can create a state of cognitive dissonance and be very unsettling. It can take weeks, if not months, to adjust to this new and unwanted reality.
Sadly, we are wired for attachment in a world of chance, change and loss, while this same wiring prods us to seek reconnection. We want desperately to know where they are. We ask for signs, dreams, and messages from beyond. We scan crowds for faces and pray for visions. The painful emotions of yearning, longing, and pining, serve as acute adaptions of our brain's strong desire to find those who have disappeared from our map.
Before reading the research I instinctually knew that visiting my parents’ cemetery plot has been powerful, but could not pinpoint why. Now as I consider the concept of “place” and the brain’s tendency to function as a map, I understand more clearly that the ability to locate them is assuring. I may still hold other beliefs about their souls’ expansive presence yet satisfy some part of my brain that hungers for physical placement.
When I visit I can engage both physically and emotionally. I can clean off their headstone, weed, plant tulip bulbs for my mom, and dig pennies into the earth for my dad. I usually cry a little, walk back to the car choked up, blowing my nose, feeling full of love, gratitude and sadness for my loss and theirs.
The last time I was there I spied a woman approach a nearby headstone, pour half her drink onto the grass and say, “I brought you your coffee.” It warmed my heart. We comfort ourselves with our idiosyncratic ways of seeking reconnection.
But according to the researchers’ conclusions, we must partner our backward glances with forward glances; we must layer our sadness with joy and delight in order to adapt and not get stuck in the painful rut of rumination. We must challenge ourselves to learn new things, to engage our brain with new tasks. This is how we promote neuroplasticity.
If you are feeling stuck, try looking at your patterns of avoidance. Even though you may not feel like it, nudge yourself to purposely seek positive experiences. Your very clever brain will effectively start creating new neuronal pathways. The brain needs positive experiences, new experiences, sparks and glimmers of joy, hope, and well-being, in order to successfully rewire. I recognize that this is not easy.
Give yourself permission to take breaks from grieving and re-engage with your grief later. The good news, according to George Bonanno’s work, is that the majority of grieving people will follow a trajectory of resilience. 10% will need additional support services.
It takes time, patience, and fortitude. We can help it along. We can seek support through many modalities that encompass expressive arts, physical care, spiritual care, psychotherapy and support groups. We can prioritize self-care and begin to set small goals for healing.
If you are interested in learning more about the current research on grief and the brain, as well as recommended interventions here are some names to search: Mary-Frances O’Connor, The Grieving Brain; Zoe Donaldson’s work on prairie voles (University of Colorado at Boulder); Margaret Stroebe’s Dual Process Model, Amy Chow, Katherine Shear, and George Bonanno (Columbia University). Andrew Huberman offers a thorough overview on his podcast #74 called “The Science & Process of Healing from Grief”.