Death Anniversaries and Special Dates

Death anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and special dates can usher in surprising sadness. Memories of Christmases past, wedding anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and sentimental days can carry a sting. Perhaps your loved one was a veteran and now you are facing Veteran’s Day, perhaps your family always enjoyed spring break vacations, summer beach trips together, or shared Thanksgiving traditions. Now the chair is empty. The graduations, weddings, and celebrations of achievement can highlight what might have been…if only. These days can emphasize our loss, and their loss...what we wish they could have shared.

The first death anniversary that took me by surprise was my father’s. I thought I was coping well. My sorrow had softened to a fond remembering and the busyness of raising three children had eclipsed my grief. I was not prepared. We took our children to see The Polar Express, and as I walked out the theatre I burst into tears involuntarily. I did not see it coming and did not know why, until I recognized the weather replicating the same cold, damp, and grey day we had experienced one year prior, on the morning of Christmas Eve, when we buried my father. I could almost hear the 21-gun salute in the distance.

I now know more about the nature of grief bursts and how sensory experiences can trigger them. I can expect them rather than be taken by surprise, can recognize them, can plan for them, and know they will pass relatively quickly.

Today I face a new first-year death anniversary of my sister-in-law, and I feel the heaviness of sorrow weighing in. It is not simply sadness, but a mixture of many feelings. I must acknowledge, honor, and allow them all. I must ride out this wave of complex regrets for a set of miscommunications and misunderstandings within the family. Her sudden death was monumentally stressful for us all. It utterly consumed many months of our lives and in some ways still does. I think about her often and I miss her. I am still processing, but not daily. Once again life intervenes with everyday challenges: the check engine light goes on, the kitchen faucet develops a drip, strong winds bring a large tree limb down, health issues pop up and require attention. We re-integrate into life.

Grief work carries opportunities for learning and for reevaluation of our own lives. The questions arise: How do I choose to respond to the things I cannot control? How can I learn from this and make something good out of it? How can I trust, how can I forgive and release? How do I keep my heart open and find joy?

To help ourselves get through these difficult dates we must first increase our awareness of their impending approach. Look ahead to the calendar and consider which dates might be harder than others. Next, examine expectations and consider how they might align with, or not align with other family members’ expectations. A conversation can be initiated, and if there is disagreement, a compromise can be considered. We can choose to spend holidays differently than we have in years past.

I have seen young adults who had lost a parent, trade dates with their siblings for the responsibility of taking care of/entertaining Mom (or Dad) on special dates during the first year of grief. They thought they were being helpful, but Mom did not want to be scheduled, and did not want someone to try and make her happy. She wasn’t going to be happy that day, period. She wanted to stay home in her pj’s and turn off the phone. While they felt a need to ease her grief, she did not, and needed to voice this.

We can advocate for ourselves. We can plan some sort of quiet remembrance time to honor our loved one and to honor ourselves for all we have weathered. Light a candle, write a letter, or offer a prayer of gratitude for all that once was. Doing what feels right will vary from person to person. Someone might wish to punch a punching bag or pillow, while another plans a shopping trip. Many do not know what they want that’s okay too.

I have learned to recognize a change in my mixed and colliding emotions leading up to these dates. I now sense a mounting tension two to three days in advance of the day, but as the date arrives the intensity dissipates. This is my experience and yours will most likely differ. Try to recognize your own patterns and learn from them. Recognizing them can help you understand and shift.

Grieving is hard work with daily choices. Take breaks from grief, and come back later. Choose a balance for yourself. Prioritize self-care and aim, as one of my sweet clients taught me, to become “better not bitter.” Keep your eye on the horizon and plan for joy, even if joy seems impossible today.